somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
