I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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