Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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