She went from zero to smokin in five shots
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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