god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
