I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
