they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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