I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
im drinking this country out of the recession.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
