she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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