he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
