I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
