It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
