The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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