The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
