I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
