I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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