if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
