I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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