I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
