He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
