One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
