jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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