we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Operation Purity has been aborted
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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