I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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