i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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