Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
it glows. i had to have it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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