I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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