your thong is hanging out like whoa
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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