Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Damn victory sex feels great
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