I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
