: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I want to fling myself into the sun
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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