now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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