I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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