did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
