I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
