I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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