no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
