My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
