Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
