Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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