I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
