I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
