I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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