Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
