I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Randomize
