My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
