He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
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I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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