You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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