did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
