just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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